lately i've received about 10 invites from friends for their eighteenth parties. everyone is entering or has already entered adulthood this year. which makes me quite sad because i have to wait until next year. BUT that's okay. because i think i would be freaked out if i was turning 18 very soon because well to be honest. i don't want to grow up. i don't want to have to be responsible for everything that i do. i'm very dependent on my parents, and i don't think they want to let me go either. it's probably why i'm choosing not to have a big celebration for my 18th and that i'm going away to an unfamiliar place where there won't be friendly faces, but faces with funny looks at me because i'm invading their territory.

i'm going to admit. i like attending parties. i like making memories, taking pictures, enjoying myself. and i'm wondering. in a years time, when everyones birthdays come around again, will they be celebrating it with me? with the same people they chose to invite and celebrate with this year? or will they be so caught up in their adult lives, that they'd have forgotten about their ''childhood friends''.

today, i got an invite from a very good friend of mine, from intermediate. we're very close even though we hardly see each other because we went to different colleges and we can never find the time to hang. and the funny thing is. he invited me to his before party dinner at a restaurant and only specific people were chosen. i scrolled down the list of people that were invited and i'm surprised to see that i'm the only one he's invited from our old group of friends. all of the people that he's invited are our new friends. and i realized. i am his oldest friend in this group of his. i liked that. i liked the fact that we've kept in contact. i like that we still make the effort to talk. to send the occasional ''how are you? i miss you!'' texts. i am really keen on going, but at the same time, i only know half of the people that he's invited. i know most of his friends, but sometimes i can't help but feel left out. because he's found all these new friends. and here i am. it feels like he's bought new clothes and i'm just his old favourite sweater. and he can't really get rid of me cause i'm his favourite. even though i'm old and worn out and he's worn me so many times. maybe he doesn't feel that way about me, but who knows.

but i guess what i'm trying to say is, people grow up. people move on. we say we'll be there forever, best friends for life. but the thing is. it's never that way. we tend to drift apart from each other because we meet new people. and you know what. i'm okay with that.

to those who put other peoples feelings before theirs.

THESE PEOPLE DESERVE TROPHIES.

can you not lie straight to my face?

i'm not stupid. i know what you're doing.
i wouldn't give two shits about what you're doing, but the fact that you're lying to my face about it? just man up and fucking tell me. honestly. i told you how it bothered me. you promised you wouldn't do it. yes i cared before. but i really couldn't care less about it now. but because you're being a real douche about it, you broke your fucking promise. the one promise i badly wanted you to keep. i'm not fucking stupid.

i can't even stand thinking about it. i won't let something like this ruin the great day that i've just had. fucking grow some balls and just admit it okay. i'm so sick of all the bullshit in this world. no wonder why people kill themselves and relationships never last. here's a tip for ya. honesty. fucking key to life.

when people expect so much from you.

i'm only human. i make mistakes too.

man's most hurtful weapon: the tongue.

most of the time we never stop to think about the words that flow out of our mouths. we just keep talking, not really bothering to take into consideration how other people may observe the way we speak, the things that come out of our mouths. we don't realize that what we say could be used against us, costing us everything.

sometimes, we don't realize that what may seem like a little joke to us, could feel like a million daggers to another. i hate it when everyone else just laughs along, without the slightest clue as to how that person is feeling at that very moment. i hate it how no one, NO ONE, bothers to point out the wrong in that 'joke'. but what i hate the most is when people just keep going back to their same old habits. they just keep saying things that they make think aren't harmful, but in reality are slowly killing the targeted person inside.

at home,

having a mental health day.

there's a time and place for everything.

the right time to sit back and do a butt load of nothing, the right time to eat so that you don't fill yourself up before dinner, the right place to be having a certain conversation, the right time to propose, the right time to say something.

and a lot of people just don't get that.

every little thing you say is very critically crucial and anyone can twist the words that come out from your mouth, into something different, because ironically, it is coming out of theirs. this means that before saying something out loud, we have to be agonizingly prepared for the consequences, hence why some people tend to just never open their mouths, whether it be needed, or not at all. yeah i'm all for keeping your mouth close when it's none of your business. you don't have a right to just blurt out somebody's issues just to fill a conversation in. maybe the conversation shouldn't be taking place anyway if you've got nothing better to talk about besides other people's business.

but what happens if you need to talk about it? what if you no longer want to be burdened with this ''secret''? what if it starts to bother you?

what happens then?

do you keep your mouth shut or do you take a risk of brewing tomorrow's gossip pot?

time heals everything.

when i look at you now,

i feel nothing.

not empty,

no heartache,

not even regret.

just a whole lot of nothing.

today, the little year 8s came to my school.

and it all came crashing down.

i am almost on the last leg of my high school career.

it's crazy to think that five years has gone by just like that. where did it all go? so many changes, broken friendships, tears, laughter, accomplishments, memories, inside jokes. so many things have happened. i'm afraid i hardly remember it all.

it's sad to think that the last five years of what i thought were the ''good times'' are simply going to get left behind. i doubt i'll remember that day where i turned around and made that comment that no one had the guts to, but it still made everyone laugh. i won't remember that day i was walking up stairs and somehow managed to trip and almost fall. getting that mark i wasn't hoping for, but screaming on the inside nonetheless because i never expected it. i know i won't remember any of these things. how can i when i can't even remember what i had for breakfast last monday?

before i know it, all of this will just be a thing of the past.

you don't like the person you've become?

then, do something about it. cause no one's going to do it for you.

mistakes.

we've all made them. whether it be big or small, we face them everyday. a miscalculation that cost you your whole paper. forgetting your umbrella so you have to walk in the rain. saying something you wish you hadn't. talking about something in front of someone who was never supposed to know. not saying what you wanted to say. watching him walk away.. every time you are reminded of your mistakes, you cringe at the thought and you wish that you could go back and prevent it from happening.

but of course you can't.

sometimes i wish life had a delete button. or a feature that allowed us to ''clear history". our mistakes make us the fragile, beaten people that we are. it would be so much easier if we could hand pick our own memories. because then maybe, life wouldn't be the ugly mess that it is for some of us today. nonetheless, if we didn't make mistakes, how else is life supposed to give us its lessons? how else are we going to learn?

i hope people will find this as touching as i thought it would be when i wrote it..

It has been a rough year darling.

Well back to the last year, you of course died at the beginning of it which put things to a sour start. I spent last night with your mum and dad, we went to that Asian restaurant in the city, who on the surface, both seem to be coping. I had everyone get together for my 21st and everyone is still much the same. However, even though I didn't need it, I realized that some tried just a little bit too hard to make me feel comfortable.

Last week I finally took the step of cleaning out your clothes from the closet, which is very barren now. I invited your friends over to take what they liked, it was an awkward session. I think they took them more as a favour to me than anything else. Levi almost cried when we pulled out all your shirts, Ben joined in and then Libby was the one who broke down. It was strange to stand in our bedroom surrounded by somewhat crying adults. I made a joke about them crying, as you know my ways of trying to break awkward silences with jokes. They didn't seem to like it very much.

A few guys have put the moves on and as you know picking up men is not a forte of mine. It seems the grieving girlfriend seems to be a good angle. Who knew! I went on one date and spent it talking about you, the poor boy. You would have found it quite witty I think. No other dates to report, I am going against your orders to move on for now.

I found one of your pencils that have somehow managed to scatter around everywhere in the apartment. It was under the bed. I sat on the floor holding it and cried. Until then I had held everything together but it just all came flooding out.

Every morning when I wake up I forget for a fraction of a second that you are gone and I reach for you. All I ever find is the cold side of the bed. My eyes settle on the picture of us, on the bedside table, and I am overjoyed that even though the time was brief I loved you and you loved me.

Love,

J.

that moment when you realize that you haven't got much left. and there's still so much to do, so many things to see. when life suddenly comes crashing down on you with all the things that need to be done, but the once opened doors are now starting to close..

all good things

come to an

end.

fear.

that is the one word explanation i have for all those times we never spoke out. why didn't we say something when he was walking away? why didn't we tell our friend that her boyfriend was a douche and by doing so, let him walk all over her? why didn't we speak out when we had a suggestion that could have possibly been the best out of all the others? why didn't we stop those who bullied that person? why did we just stand back, not saying anything. how could we just stand back and watch things fall apart?

everyone has thought of "what if?". so why do we seldom think about actually pursuing something and seeing the results for ourselves. why do we like torture ourselves by playing scenario, after scenario in our heads of what could have happened if only we had done this, or that. like i said, i think it's fear. i know that sometimes i let the fear of rejection get in the way. rejection, amongst other things such as humiliation, and fear of what others might start to think about us.

but sometimes, we just need to break out of that shell and move. to see the final result of that ''what if?''. otherwise, it's going to keep bothering you. it's going to haunt you for a long time, who knows, maybe even the rest of your life. don't let fear eat you alive.

i think we should all just take a stand against sitting back and watching the things we love fall apart. go. talk about it. if you hurt others along the way, fine. it's a small price you're going to have to pay. because in the end, if you don't, the person you'll hurt the most is the person you tried not to hurt in the first place. you.

we see what

we want.

never leave something good
to find something better
because once you
realize you had the best,

the best has found better.

when you and i are alone,

i've never felt so at home.

those we hurt

all the time

are the ones who love us

the most.

changes.

change happens ever so subtly most of the time. you don't realize it until you take a break from life and reminisce. why? why does one have to experience change? i remember asking myself this same exact question some years ago, back when i was still young and foolish, thinking only of change as ''why does he not like me anymore," or "why doesn't he look at me the way he used to". now that i think about it, change doesn't only happen in love. it can happen with anything.

throughout the years, i've lost many friends. but in replacement, i've created and made new ones. ones who i know are real. and that's a good change right? i've also changed as a person. i am no longer the bitchy, stuck up girl i remember being back in intermediate and early high school years. that's another good change, i guess.

but to balance it out, there has been many, i guess you could call it, bad changes. people change. things change. things didn't go the way i thought it would. i just wish sometimes that the good things didn't have to change. i hate being selfish, but i like to think that i'm not the only one who hates the change. we all loved the old, carefree days. and sometimes i can't help but wonder, what happened..