lately i've received about 10 invites from friends for their eighteenth parties. everyone is entering or has already entered adulthood this year. which makes me quite sad because i have to wait until next year. BUT that's okay. because i think i would be freaked out if i was turning 18 very soon because well to be honest. i don't want to grow up. i don't want to have to be responsible for everything that i do. i'm very dependent on my parents, and i don't think they want to let me go either. it's probably why i'm choosing not to have a big celebration for my 18th and that i'm going away to an unfamiliar place where there won't be friendly faces, but faces with funny looks at me because i'm invading their territory.

i'm going to admit. i like attending parties. i like making memories, taking pictures, enjoying myself. and i'm wondering. in a years time, when everyones birthdays come around again, will they be celebrating it with me? with the same people they chose to invite and celebrate with this year? or will they be so caught up in their adult lives, that they'd have forgotten about their ''childhood friends''.

today, i got an invite from a very good friend of mine, from intermediate. we're very close even though we hardly see each other because we went to different colleges and we can never find the time to hang. and the funny thing is. he invited me to his before party dinner at a restaurant and only specific people were chosen. i scrolled down the list of people that were invited and i'm surprised to see that i'm the only one he's invited from our old group of friends. all of the people that he's invited are our new friends. and i realized. i am his oldest friend in this group of his. i liked that. i liked the fact that we've kept in contact. i like that we still make the effort to talk. to send the occasional ''how are you? i miss you!'' texts. i am really keen on going, but at the same time, i only know half of the people that he's invited. i know most of his friends, but sometimes i can't help but feel left out. because he's found all these new friends. and here i am. it feels like he's bought new clothes and i'm just his old favourite sweater. and he can't really get rid of me cause i'm his favourite. even though i'm old and worn out and he's worn me so many times. maybe he doesn't feel that way about me, but who knows.

but i guess what i'm trying to say is, people grow up. people move on. we say we'll be there forever, best friends for life. but the thing is. it's never that way. we tend to drift apart from each other because we meet new people. and you know what. i'm okay with that.

to those who put other peoples feelings before theirs.

THESE PEOPLE DESERVE TROPHIES.

can you not lie straight to my face?

i'm not stupid. i know what you're doing.
i wouldn't give two shits about what you're doing, but the fact that you're lying to my face about it? just man up and fucking tell me. honestly. i told you how it bothered me. you promised you wouldn't do it. yes i cared before. but i really couldn't care less about it now. but because you're being a real douche about it, you broke your fucking promise. the one promise i badly wanted you to keep. i'm not fucking stupid.

i can't even stand thinking about it. i won't let something like this ruin the great day that i've just had. fucking grow some balls and just admit it okay. i'm so sick of all the bullshit in this world. no wonder why people kill themselves and relationships never last. here's a tip for ya. honesty. fucking key to life.

when people expect so much from you.

i'm only human. i make mistakes too.

man's most hurtful weapon: the tongue.

most of the time we never stop to think about the words that flow out of our mouths. we just keep talking, not really bothering to take into consideration how other people may observe the way we speak, the things that come out of our mouths. we don't realize that what we say could be used against us, costing us everything.

sometimes, we don't realize that what may seem like a little joke to us, could feel like a million daggers to another. i hate it when everyone else just laughs along, without the slightest clue as to how that person is feeling at that very moment. i hate it how no one, NO ONE, bothers to point out the wrong in that 'joke'. but what i hate the most is when people just keep going back to their same old habits. they just keep saying things that they make think aren't harmful, but in reality are slowly killing the targeted person inside.

at home,

having a mental health day.

there's a time and place for everything.

the right time to sit back and do a butt load of nothing, the right time to eat so that you don't fill yourself up before dinner, the right place to be having a certain conversation, the right time to propose, the right time to say something.

and a lot of people just don't get that.

every little thing you say is very critically crucial and anyone can twist the words that come out from your mouth, into something different, because ironically, it is coming out of theirs. this means that before saying something out loud, we have to be agonizingly prepared for the consequences, hence why some people tend to just never open their mouths, whether it be needed, or not at all. yeah i'm all for keeping your mouth close when it's none of your business. you don't have a right to just blurt out somebody's issues just to fill a conversation in. maybe the conversation shouldn't be taking place anyway if you've got nothing better to talk about besides other people's business.

but what happens if you need to talk about it? what if you no longer want to be burdened with this ''secret''? what if it starts to bother you?

what happens then?

do you keep your mouth shut or do you take a risk of brewing tomorrow's gossip pot?

time heals everything.

when i look at you now,

i feel nothing.

not empty,

no heartache,

not even regret.

just a whole lot of nothing.

today, the little year 8s came to my school.

and it all came crashing down.

i am almost on the last leg of my high school career.

it's crazy to think that five years has gone by just like that. where did it all go? so many changes, broken friendships, tears, laughter, accomplishments, memories, inside jokes. so many things have happened. i'm afraid i hardly remember it all.

it's sad to think that the last five years of what i thought were the ''good times'' are simply going to get left behind. i doubt i'll remember that day where i turned around and made that comment that no one had the guts to, but it still made everyone laugh. i won't remember that day i was walking up stairs and somehow managed to trip and almost fall. getting that mark i wasn't hoping for, but screaming on the inside nonetheless because i never expected it. i know i won't remember any of these things. how can i when i can't even remember what i had for breakfast last monday?

before i know it, all of this will just be a thing of the past.

you don't like the person you've become?

then, do something about it. cause no one's going to do it for you.

mistakes.

we've all made them. whether it be big or small, we face them everyday. a miscalculation that cost you your whole paper. forgetting your umbrella so you have to walk in the rain. saying something you wish you hadn't. talking about something in front of someone who was never supposed to know. not saying what you wanted to say. watching him walk away.. every time you are reminded of your mistakes, you cringe at the thought and you wish that you could go back and prevent it from happening.

but of course you can't.

sometimes i wish life had a delete button. or a feature that allowed us to ''clear history". our mistakes make us the fragile, beaten people that we are. it would be so much easier if we could hand pick our own memories. because then maybe, life wouldn't be the ugly mess that it is for some of us today. nonetheless, if we didn't make mistakes, how else is life supposed to give us its lessons? how else are we going to learn?

i hope people will find this as touching as i thought it would be when i wrote it..

It has been a rough year darling.

Well back to the last year, you of course died at the beginning of it which put things to a sour start. I spent last night with your mum and dad, we went to that Asian restaurant in the city, who on the surface, both seem to be coping. I had everyone get together for my 21st and everyone is still much the same. However, even though I didn't need it, I realized that some tried just a little bit too hard to make me feel comfortable.

Last week I finally took the step of cleaning out your clothes from the closet, which is very barren now. I invited your friends over to take what they liked, it was an awkward session. I think they took them more as a favour to me than anything else. Levi almost cried when we pulled out all your shirts, Ben joined in and then Libby was the one who broke down. It was strange to stand in our bedroom surrounded by somewhat crying adults. I made a joke about them crying, as you know my ways of trying to break awkward silences with jokes. They didn't seem to like it very much.

A few guys have put the moves on and as you know picking up men is not a forte of mine. It seems the grieving girlfriend seems to be a good angle. Who knew! I went on one date and spent it talking about you, the poor boy. You would have found it quite witty I think. No other dates to report, I am going against your orders to move on for now.

I found one of your pencils that have somehow managed to scatter around everywhere in the apartment. It was under the bed. I sat on the floor holding it and cried. Until then I had held everything together but it just all came flooding out.

Every morning when I wake up I forget for a fraction of a second that you are gone and I reach for you. All I ever find is the cold side of the bed. My eyes settle on the picture of us, on the bedside table, and I am overjoyed that even though the time was brief I loved you and you loved me.

Love,

J.

that moment when you realize that you haven't got much left. and there's still so much to do, so many things to see. when life suddenly comes crashing down on you with all the things that need to be done, but the once opened doors are now starting to close..

all good things

come to an

end.

fear.

that is the one word explanation i have for all those times we never spoke out. why didn't we say something when he was walking away? why didn't we tell our friend that her boyfriend was a douche and by doing so, let him walk all over her? why didn't we speak out when we had a suggestion that could have possibly been the best out of all the others? why didn't we stop those who bullied that person? why did we just stand back, not saying anything. how could we just stand back and watch things fall apart?

everyone has thought of "what if?". so why do we seldom think about actually pursuing something and seeing the results for ourselves. why do we like torture ourselves by playing scenario, after scenario in our heads of what could have happened if only we had done this, or that. like i said, i think it's fear. i know that sometimes i let the fear of rejection get in the way. rejection, amongst other things such as humiliation, and fear of what others might start to think about us.

but sometimes, we just need to break out of that shell and move. to see the final result of that ''what if?''. otherwise, it's going to keep bothering you. it's going to haunt you for a long time, who knows, maybe even the rest of your life. don't let fear eat you alive.

i think we should all just take a stand against sitting back and watching the things we love fall apart. go. talk about it. if you hurt others along the way, fine. it's a small price you're going to have to pay. because in the end, if you don't, the person you'll hurt the most is the person you tried not to hurt in the first place. you.

we see what

we want.

never leave something good
to find something better
because once you
realize you had the best,

the best has found better.

when you and i are alone,

i've never felt so at home.

those we hurt

all the time

are the ones who love us

the most.

changes.

change happens ever so subtly most of the time. you don't realize it until you take a break from life and reminisce. why? why does one have to experience change? i remember asking myself this same exact question some years ago, back when i was still young and foolish, thinking only of change as ''why does he not like me anymore," or "why doesn't he look at me the way he used to". now that i think about it, change doesn't only happen in love. it can happen with anything.

throughout the years, i've lost many friends. but in replacement, i've created and made new ones. ones who i know are real. and that's a good change right? i've also changed as a person. i am no longer the bitchy, stuck up girl i remember being back in intermediate and early high school years. that's another good change, i guess.

but to balance it out, there has been many, i guess you could call it, bad changes. people change. things change. things didn't go the way i thought it would. i just wish sometimes that the good things didn't have to change. i hate being selfish, but i like to think that i'm not the only one who hates the change. we all loved the old, carefree days. and sometimes i can't help but wonder, what happened..

reality is lovely place,

but i wouldn't want to live there.

people are lonely

because

they build walls

instead of

bridges.

i'm back!!

wow..

last post: august 24 2010.

that was a long time ago. a lot of things have changed. i have well changed. i have a lot of things to update.. but it's too long to just sit down and blog about it. why don't we just start a fresh? yes. let's do that. first, i'm sorrrrrrrrry dear followers. i decided i want to go back to blogger. PLEASE TAKE ME BACK. because tumblr is over crowded by a bunch of amateurs who have invaded what used to be a beautiful, free place. now it's filled with.. little girls clicking away. it makes me want to cry. so i'm back.

i will try and post everyday, i promise.

au revoir.

i thought i missed you..

love doesn’t find you alone. you find love together.

if we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone elses, we'd fight to have ours back.

out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;

I hope your dreams take you to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known.

Day 27 — This month, in great detail;

okay. so this month has been a very, very trying month. so many things have changed. i've found out things - scary things that could possibly change my life forever. my life, where it's at, at the moment is not at the greatest. but i don't want to complain. other people have got it harder than me. i have God, i have a family who loves me, friends who continually give the best support without even having to ask for it. come to look at it. it's really not that bad. i know that this is just a hiccup in life, and that i'll get through this no matter what. heck yeah it's hard, very hard. i'm not even going to sugar coat it, i'm devastated. i'm hurt and i have so many unanswered questions. but i will be a living testimony. just gotta keep my faith high and hope for the best. cause what they say is true, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Day 15 - A song that describes you:

she will be loved - maroon 5

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail;

WOW. where do i even start. first week of term 3. all i can say is. HECTIC.

i cried a few times at school, i finished my english research and it was apparently good. i spent countless hours in the art room, i FINALLY finished my painting boards! yaaaaahoo. and i actually really like them. i finished reading a book in an hour.

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love:

when i look at you - miley cyrus

you say the things you don't need to say,

because it hurts when you don't say them.

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail;

well. it's only half of the day so far. so imma keep it short. here goes.

woke up at 3:47am because i really needed to pee and blow my nose, ugh colds. went back to sleep. woke up at half 8. said hi to my mum. realized i was still hungry from last night, opened a can of creamed rice mmm. drank some coffee. then cleaned the kitchen, the house. went on tumblr. said hello to my nephew. watched him crawl around for a while. helped my momma cook lunch. washed the dishes. ate lunch. now im on tumblr again. and uploadin photos on facebook. cheeea.

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure:

never let you go - justin bieber

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy;

anyone who knows me knows that i am IN LOVE with toy story.

i have loved toy story ever since i was little, and will never stop loving it.

it was a big part of my childhood, and i like to think that i grew up with andy :)

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate:

i don't really hate any bands.

if you can't understand my silence, how are you going to understand my words?

The greatest ironies of our life.

1. Liking the right person at the wrong time.

This might of just be the time where you just got out of a relationship. You know that the person you’re liking is perfect for you, but you still know that you can’t get over your past relationship.

2. Having the wrong person when the time is right.

This might be when you thought that everything is going great, but there’s just one little problem; the person you end up falling for wasn’t the right one for you.

3. Finally realizing that you really love someone, after they walk out of your life.

We tend to not realize who cares and has love for us till they’re long gone from our life. We then would regret not appreciating them for the time that they’ve been with us. It’s all too little too late after you’re finally aware of that.

Day 23 — A YouTube video;

i don't really watch youtube clips. i mostly just watch music videos and stuff. you want a youtube clip? go type in paramore on the search tab. do it. i dare you to.

Day 11 - A song from your favorite band:

my heart - paramore

Day 22 — A website;

i'm gonna be vain and post my tumblr :)

floatingkaleidoscopes.tumblr.com

it's my happier blog,

Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep:

fireworks - youmeatsix

so i didn't go to my school ball last night and i kinda regret not goin, but whatever i'll get over it. i won't be on for a while cause i got somewhere to go, kinda dreadin it but it's inevitable, so yea i leave you beautiful people with my latest days, and i shall post by the end of this week hopefully. stay beautiful x

Day 21 — A recipe;

i'm too lazy to put up a recipe, but i'll tell you one of my all time favourite foods. my momma's spaghetti. omg. to die for.

Day 09 - A song that you can dance to:

california gurls - katy perry

I don't believe in love anymore. I once was love's biggest fan. I loved love. I believed in love at first sight, true love, soul mate, all that mushy-gushy stuff the best songs and books are written about. It's what every little girl dreams about. One day my prince will come....blah blah blah. I used to believe in love. I was in love, like I'm talking head over heals, stars in your eyes in L-O-V-E. I loved you with all my heart even though I knew you weren't perfect. You were always more sure about us. Then we broke up. I still loved you, you said you loved me too. But you got with someone else. I was mad at you. I hated you. I still hate you. You left me hanging, all by myself while you frolicked with her. It doesn't matter now that you regret everything, if you still have feelings for me. It hurt what you did, and it sucks that my heart won't give you another chance. You turned my heart into stone, you made me bitter towards love. I don't think I'll be able to love again for a very long time. You walked out on me when I needed you the most. You said forever, but you got with her the moment you were free. So I don't believe in love any more. Because if you don't believe in love there is nothing to cry about, and I don't have anymore tears to cry. I gave up on love because it gave up on me.

Day 20 — A hobby of yours;

i have many hobbies. i love to read, if i could just lay down and read all day i would. i love to draw, i love to paint. i love discovering the most amazing photos. i love finding new bands and their music. i love being alone, doing the things i love the most.

Day 08 - A song that you know all the words to:

emergency - paramore

You say the things you don't need to say.

Because it hurts when you don't say them.

wow so its totally the second to last day of term 2. sooo many things has changed for me, i have so many things that i need to be doing right now its not even funny. but because im a tard and im lazy im not going to do them. today i hurt someone close to me, and i feel like crap for it. but i havent felt this good for a very long time, and i guess this is where im supposed to be. by myself, but its okay. somehow i know i'll be fine.

Day 19 — A talent of yours;

i am an artist. i paint, i draw, i take pictures. art is my life.

Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event:

you're a jerk, at easter camp :D

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy;

i just want to say that God has blessed me with the best friends anyone could ever ask for. you guys mean the world to me. i love you.

Day 06 - A song that reminds of you of somewhere:

what hurts the most - rascal flatts

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture);

this is one of Mark Ryden's amazing paintings.

he's got to be one of my favourite artists and i cam across him this year whilst looking for an artist model. i chose him, but decided i could never paint as good as him. so i chose someone else. hahar. check him out.

Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone:

two is better than one - boys like girls

You only get over somebody when you find somebody else that you care about more.

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly);

Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

this song has a lot of meaning to me. a good friend of mine introduced it and after listening to it for the first time, i knew i was never going to get sick of it. a year later, i still love this song.

Day 04 - A song that makes you sad:

thinking of you - katy perry

it's a day of sadness. i love sad songs.

Day 15 — A fanfic;

Nightlight - A Twilight Parody. hahahar. it's not really a fanfic, but close enough :)

Day 03 - A song that makes you happy:

the saltwater room - owl city

“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. And intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want.”

Sometimes I think we waste our words and we waste our moments, and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

Day 14 — A non-fictional book;

Any art related book is good. Especially surrealism ones. Omg. Check out Mark Ryden's artbook. It is weeeeell gorgeous. The paintings, drawings, everything in it is just so. Omg, I can't even. Just go find it. You'll get what I mean.

Day 02 - Your least favorite song:

quiet - demi lovato

Day 13 — A fictional book;

Well. I love books, and quite frankly I've read a lot, and can't remember any right now.. So I'll just give you my last read: "Moon White" by Melody Carlson. It's a good book. From the True Colors series. I recommend you read it :) cheeyaa.

i'm doing another 30 day thing too btw. 30 days of songs. starting now. haha.

Day 01 - Your favorite song at the moment:

pyramid - charice. and fireworks - youmeatsix.

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy;

the lyrics to the song "Someday We'll Know" by New Radicals.

"someday we'll know if love can move a mountain,"

it's one of those things that just make me smile :)

you broke me,

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently